Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All I want is dick and wine.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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