He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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