Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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