When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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