You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
