I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
where are you?
Hypothermia
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This is my gift to your gina
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
