You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
