Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
