I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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