I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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