Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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