im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
