3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
