We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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