Im at strip club and am horny
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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