You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
