i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
