end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
