I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
