I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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