she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize