I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
