i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
