I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
