On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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