John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
