I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
