whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
