Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize