Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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