Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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