Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
