So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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