The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
