She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
