They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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