I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you didnt know i had herpes?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
