my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
