if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
