those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
