best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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