The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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