i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
