I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
