I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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