Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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