i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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