I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
