I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
