good thing vaginas are great cup holders
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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