drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
