Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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