Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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