I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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