she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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