she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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